"If Looks Could Kill"
An odd choice for Veteran's Day, but timing is... everything.
Despite an opening graphic that cautions "More of this is true than you might believe" "The Men Who Stare at Goats" is more of a fantasia based on the reporting of Jon Ronson than an actual true story. Yes, the truth is in the details; during the 1980's there was an army troop training as psychic warriors tasked with perfecting ways of defeating the enemy beyond fighting. These included perfectly legitimate examples of psychological disciplines, like moving past one's fears and one's predilections (it's pointed out that 15 to 20% of "fresh" soldiers usually shot above the heads of enemy combatants—not wanting to kill anybody), heightening one's powers of observation, gaining a psychological advantage over one's adversary by one's actions and thoughts, and moved beyond that into training that was anything but basic.
Ultimately the goal of the so-called "First Earth Battalion" was to make "super-soldiers," "psychic warriors," or "Jedi knights"* who could intuit answers from prisoners, psychically deflect attacks, become invisible, "phase" through objects, and, most diabolically, stop the hearts of their opponents by staring at them.
In the movie, McGregor's Ronson stand-in, Bob Wilton, gets wind of a "New Earth Army" doing some feature work for his local newspaper, but it isn't until he's in Iraq—trying to impress his estranged wife—that "the circle becomes complete" and he meets the closest thing to an adept among the psy-warriors, Lyn Cassidy (George Clooney, looking remarkably like Dennis Farina) who's "been re-activated" on a secret mission to find his former commanding officer and creator of the First Earth Army, Bill Django (Jeff Bridges, who perfects his Leibowskish "bubble-off-plumb" hippie personification and manages to make it poignant). Cassidy appears to be legit, capable of cloud bursting and the one Earher who could drop a goat with a look. He's less than expert in the "sparkley eyes" technique, despite being played by George Clooney (who manages to play it completely straight while pulling off some of the strangest actions of his career).
Director Grant Heslov, Clooney's production partner and script-writer for "Good Night, and Good Luck," keeps things moving at a good clip, moving fast enough to avoid analysis or deep thinking. The story is slight, owing much to, of all things, "Ishtar" (two clueless guys, out of their depth in a Middle East war-zone) while waving an anti-establishment freak-flag that reeks of "M*A*S*H" (with Kevin Spacey as Frank Burns). The story, of remnants of the original NEA operating in Iraq and Afghanistan, seems plausible (given the way those wars have been run), but the story merely exploits true concepts to spin the gauziest of screenplays from, while poking fun at the "Be All That You Can Be" gozo-ness of an Army that's trying "to be wonderful."
Semi-satirical movies are rarely more than semi-amusing. "The Men Who Stare at Goats," however, delivers quite a few belly-laughs.
"The Men Who Stare at Goats" is a Matinee.
* The movie earns many—too many—knowing audience laughs by casting Ewan McGregor (the post/pre-Guiness Obi-Wan Kenobi) as the Ronson-surrogate reporter who is more of a "Doubting Thomas" than a "Padewan Apprentice." It's a little too "on the nose" and is, frankly, done to death, like some of the more winkingly obvious in-jokes in the "Ocean's Eleven" series.





ARTHUR: Knights! Forward!







[Suddenly, TIM summons a ball of fire on the very spot he is standing. But he is gone! Just as suddenly, TIM reappears in a cloud of smoke just a few feet away from ARTHUR. He continues to toss a couple more fiery spells.]





ARTHUR: What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?
TIM: I... am an enchanter.
ARTHUR: By what name are you known?
TIM: There are some who call me... Tim?
ARTHUR: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.
ARTHUR: You know my name?
TIM: I do.
[Blows flames from his staff]
TIM: You seek the Holy Grrrail!
ARTHUR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, Oh Tim.
TIM: Quite.

[Shoots a rocket from his staff at a tree, which explodes]
[KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE applaud politely.]
ARTHUR: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.
KNIGHTS: It is, yes, yup, yes, yeah.
ARTHUR: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it.
ARTHUR: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help...
ARTHUR: ... would be... very...
ARTHUR: ...helpful...

[TIM throws a fireball in front of him. He stumbles back, holding his leg.]
ARTHUR: Fine, um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, find a, uh, a, um, a uh--
TIM: A what...?
ARTHUR: A g--, a g--
TIM: A Grrrrrail?!
ARTHUR: Yes, I think so.
KNIGHTS: Yes, that's it. Yes.
TIM: Yes!
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.



[TIM shoots fire from fingers at rocky slope.]
ARTHUR: Look, you're a busy man, uh--
TIM: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grrrrail.
TIM: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Caerbannog -- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged
[creates thunder]
TIM: ...make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.
ARTHUR: Where could we find this cave, Oh Tim?
TIM: Follow!
TIM: [he turns back] But!! Follow only if ye be men of valor...
TIM: ...for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature...
TIM: ...so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived!
TIM: Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair! So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further...
TIM: ...for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth!
ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance.








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